Widowhood is not divorce , and many women find they have no frame of reference for issues that are bereavement driven. They also sometimes wonder if the issues they are struggling with are actually grief issues at all. In addition to the blog, Abel also began hosting a peer-to-peer group on Facebook where women who are in relationships with widowers could gather privately to exchange stories, vent, seek insight and encourage each other.
The book itself is a nuts-and-bolts look at moving on, dating and remarriage when widowhood is at least half the equation. Although it might appear that the point of view is primarily from the male perspective, the gender perspectives are quite evenly balanced and Abel allows his contributors to share their insight and hard won wisdom, allowing the reader to take what they want or need from each chapter.
There is even a chapter written specifically for widowed people who are, or are thinking about, dating. Given the dreadful lack of literature dedicated to widowed folk who are past active grief and looking to move on and remarry at some point, this is a welcome — and well done — addition. If a reader is looking for a book that validates the idea that widowers are not first men but fragile souls in need of rescue or retraining as though they were wet behind the ears pups, this is not that book.
Instead, it reminds the reader that the widowed man is a man first and always and a bereaved spouse second or even farther down the list depending on his personality and responsibilities. You are commenting using your WordPress. We continued forward and the whole time we explained that we were vulnerable and slowly he begin to break down that wall I had built to protect my heart.
Last night at 2 Am as I was thinking about the whole situation of starting over I had a overwhelming feeling of fear because I had open my heart again and allowed some to do just what I was fighting so hard for and that is allow never someone to get close to me like that avoiding having my heart broken again. My heart was racing but at the same time I had butterflies which of course made things worse.
Dating a Widower
I truly try my best to stay true to what God says about a marriage and divorce but I know I am ready to move forward. I just wanted to share this after reading your comment. A Widower and a Divorcee can also be comparable if they are both seeking the same thing which is to have someone to care for and love who have the same deep and profound mutual feelings as you do.
I was suddenly widowed 9 years ago after 28 years of being married to my best friend. It took a long time, but I feel ready to meet some new people. I loved being married, would love to be married again someday. I have met some very bitter divorced gentlemen that are much more hesitant about the idea of marriage in general. I am not looking to replace my husband. I think I would be attracted to a very different type of man at this point in my life.
I have wonderful memories of being married and raising our daughters, but I am excited about the possibilities, no bad feelings about being married in my baggage cart….
Very good point about the bitterness and baggage of a divorce victim, Lisa. Well spoken, thank you. I have been divorced twice and I have been widowed. With a divorce, time goes by and you heal and you get over the person. I have toyed with using a dating site, but last time I dated was 30 years ago. So I have not tried it yet. Just confirms the loneliness of being single. Marcia, I lost my husband almost 18 years ago after being together for nearly 25 years and know how you feel. Take care of yourself and I hope you find friends soon, more people seem to be joining Stitch now.
Should widows dating look for other widows or divorcees?
It does take a couple of weeks to really get going and have connections. I have not yet come to terms of looking my wife of 10 years. I need someone who has gone through the same predicament to share with me. I very much agree with Adria, who astutely remarked that it is complex and each combination of two persons is unique and different. Very well spoken. I also agree with Marcia. I was married and divorced two decades prior to meeting my dear late husband from whom I am sadly widowed.
I am free of emotion regarding the divorce from long ago, as that relationship was rightly declared null and void. But the relationship with a deceased spouse rightly continues beyond death. Your bond with the departed spouse remains.
It is well and truly gone in its previous form, but hopefully you or I have integrated the virtues of the departed spouse, and the good qualities of that relationship into our beings — and can bring those to bear in any new relationships without trying to make a new person be anything other than who they are uniquely. Regards to divorced vs widowed, we must devote sufficient thoughts and emotions and spirituality to reflect on what has transpired.
The word insight comes to mind. Has the divorced person shown sufficient insight into what has gone wrong so as to not repeat it? A widowed person like myself also needs to show insight. Love changes us, and death changes us again. Our outlook and lives would rightly reflect the depth of the tragedy.
If not, warning bells should be going off. Well, i agree, we are all different, i dated a widower for about 2 years. He was a lovely man and i truely believed we could have settled down and had a good life togeather. We share a great deal of interests. He, his family and friends made it very clear that i was only there because his late wife tragically was not. His house remained filled with her pictures, anniversaries and birthdays were always brought up with great sadness.
Whilst i know it must be a terrible loss, if someone wants to move on to a new relationship, then they really do need to be sensitive to their new partner too. I would be very cautious in future about dating a widower. Marcia et all. I agree with all that you have said. I got divorced after bankrolling my husband thru his doctoral program and working full time.
Then my place of employment told me that I had to work on Bachelors and Masters degrees. Not having received any monetary compensation from him I continued to work full time and attended classes evenings and weekends. No time for any socializing. After 8 years I got my Masters then the powers that be said you need to work on your doctorate. Finally after a couple of years of dating I met my husband who really was the love of my life. He was a widower and I a divorcee, We had about 21 years of a fabulous wonderful life but then he became very ill and passed away 4 years ago.
I find that having been divorced and also widowed the widowed men are much more compassionate and sensitive to my feelings as they have also experienced similar situations. Two divorced men I dated did not seem to understand the deep bond a truly happy and compatible couple has. I find that it is very hard to be alone especially at this age.
I find that one has to be very straightforward and up front.
See a Problem?
I hope that those of you who needed more support found it at the time when you most needed it. Has anyone found it easy to meet again and find a great partner, I would love to hear your story? Hi Natalie, you can check out our blog about Carol and Doug and read their story. I had been proposed twice and offered of shacking up twice..
I have and still make it clear to acquaintances and friends that feeling need to be mutual and past history remains past history.
If any relationship is form, we move on with a new chapter.. To have fun with…yes aplenty! You never forget the one you lost.. Lamenting the loss for a period…yes by all means. Be appreciative that we had our departed love one for as long as we did. If we were in an unpleasant relationship, divorce had been a blessing.
I have been a widow for over 20 years…I had been loved and treasured so much, as much as I had been a wonderful, supportive and emphatic wife and person. Birth, love, lost, death.. BOy am I glad to read thsi!!!! Hey says he hates mourning. This guy is a real catch…. Not everyone is the same. I married a widower. We started dating 3 weeks after his wife died of cancer after being sick for 2 years.
He lost both his parents the same way so death in his life was not new for him. His attitude when we found each other on line was that he had been through 2 years of hell and it was his turn to be selfish and be happy. Yet he shows me daily how much I mean to him and how much he appreciates me. He was married for 11 years but with her for a total of My insecurities are my problem and nothing to do with how he feels or how much I mean to him. Before I met him I was divorced twice. One advantage of meeting someone after a happy marriage is that they are not cynical or insecure.
He has 2 girls and with my 3 kids we now have 5 permanently in the house with us.
It works. MY insecurities and issues are my problem. It makes it difficult sometimes. Thank you for the encouragement.
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I have to give it time and trust him. I can understand a widowed man in some ways. My personal experience is that as a single mom I am truly very busy. I cannot see a man more than once a week. In my experience, the grief was so heavy at first. You long to connect again yet you also miss your spouse! To sum it up, maybe he is still in grief. You are a smart woman for walking away for now.go here
Does The Same Dating Advice Apply To Widowers?
In time he will get past the grief and be a terrific catch. I am frightened off by young 60s chicks that are too aggressively seeking a relationship. I find that other widowers around my age have the same opinion I do about aggressive or desperate ladies. Can we all be wrong? I am a 62 year widower that lost my wife after a happy 35 year marriage. I have great support from family and friends, however after 10 months of my wife passing I wanted to alleviated them from thinking that hey need to me keep busy.
I went to a site and met two different ladies, and I was very specific as to my intentions. I was not interested in any relation, yes not even a sexual relationship, just wanted to have a friend that we could we go out have dinner and perhaps a movies once a month. Twice I went out with two different ladies, with the understanding of just friendship and twice same results, they wanted to take it to the next level, and both of them we went out twice. So I have decided that if I am ever ready to move on, then I try the dating otherwise I will keep busy doing projects around the house and working part time.
Hi Karen, It is refreshing to read 2old4games comments, my respect to you sir for your sensitive and rational approach, and sympathies on your loss. I have had 2 fairly recent experiences with widowers who were both in the more common group. Not so much. And shame on me for falling for it. As Evan says — they need us alright — for what they need us for. If you have time to wait him out a bit stick with it. Best wishes, SandyNH. Your email address will not be published. Don't subscribe All Replies to my comments Notify me of followup comments via e-mail.
You can also subscribe without commenting. I was going to post this in the comments for my last blog, but felt it was worth its own post. I am a 33 year old single woman. Both are great guys: accomplished, educated and successful. One of them I have wonderful chemistry…. I know so much more about men and how they think, and because I have a man in my life who is worth my time and effort, I have a confidence in myself that I never had before, too. Thanks to Evan, I finally feel like I'm exactly where I want to be in life. The future is wide open and bright, and I found a rare gem to cherish.
I thank Evan for his advice and insight, his reading recommendations, and his encouragement through this process! I realized that I needed to find the man who would love me unconditionally for who I am, not for who he wanted me to be. Share Join our conversation 69 Comments. Excellent advice and so true! Hi Ben, I am dating in a relationship…. There is no rule book…. Did he ever call you back? Dear Karen, We are in a very similar situation. Thanks Karen for sharing this, I am in almost same situation Me again.
How have you come to this conclusion? So I need to get out there and make some friendships BOy am I glad to read thsi!!!!
Related Dating a Widower: Starting a Relationship with a Man Who’s Starting Over
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